Saturday, 4 May 2019

"So."


So, today my blog concerns a modern habit which I imagine was started by the young folk called millennials.

So, the reason I'm writing this is to bring to everyone's attention how annoying this habit is.

So, I am guessing that most people who are baby boomers or of the silent generation will not use this awful affectation.

So, the baby boomers and the silent generation will by now have realised exactly what this post is about.

So, although the habit was probably started by the millennials I think generation X may be joining in as well.


Image result for young people


So, I had the misfortune to watch an interview on the television where the organiser of the London Marathon was talking at length using this dreadful affectation.

So, those of us of an older generation find this grates on our nerves and sensibilities as well as sounding down right foolish.

So, how much longer will I have to go on before a millennial realises what the point of this post might be?

So, I can't continue any longer, starting every sentence with the word "so."

So, as you can probably see, starting every sentence with the word "so" sounds dreadful and when written down looks even worse.

So, please all you people who do this, whatever generation you are please stop.

So, I thank you!

Wednesday, 17 April 2019

The Extinction Rebellion Climate protest.


I was going to post on the Extinction Rebellion Climate protest yesterday but I ran out of time as I had to post on the Game of Thrones, but that as they say quite literally is another story.

Time has moved on and for the second day London and I believe other cities around the world have been targeted by thousands of people who blocked the streets and stopped the traffic as a protest about pollution.

Waterloo Bridge

I’m assuming that no-one had pointed out to them that by stopping the traffic they were adding to the pollution but one feels these people probably don’t care.
On top of adding to the pollution by stopping traffic they also threw what I believe was oil over the Shell building, yet more pollution.

Protester Olivia Evershed, 23 said; “I hope that it’s really going to bring awareness about the emergency crisis that we are in, and encourage the government to act.
“We’ve got 12 years to act before there is irreversible damage to the environment and we start to see catastrophic changes. If we don’t do anything to change this, our children will die.”

Somewhat of an over statement of the situation I must say as the percentage of world pollution from the UK is 1.21% and as most of the world pollution comes from places like China the USA and India I would suggest you are protesting in the wrong place.

I believe the population of India is expected to double in the next 10 years and if I’m not much mistaken China will also increase dramatically, now if their figure of 12 years is correct we are all dead anyway, so I suggest they stop being so melodramatic.

Protests at Oxford Circus

I’m forced to wonder how all these protesters travelled into London, did they all walk, for surely that is the only way they must have arrived as if they used any form of transport, bus, train, car, taxi they too would be adding to the pollution in London. I somehow doubt they all walked.

People seem to forget that any form of transport causes pollution even a bicycle for you cannot make a bicycle without using some form of energy to source the parts to deliver them to the factory that manufactures them, then the energy (welding etc) used to construct the bicycle. The bicycle then has to be delivered to a shop or warehouse prior to delivery to the purchaser, yet more pollution.

Even using public transport causes pollution and I’m forced to wonder how the lorry they used to block the road entered London, was it running on fresh air and what vehicle was used to tow the yacht they used to block the traffic?

Even electric vehicles cause pollution in their manufacture, according to a report by Friends of the Earth, the extraction of lithium which is used in the batteries harms the soil and causes air contamination.

Now we have Chris Packham joining in with his support for the campaign.

 Image result for chris packham joins protest

I have to admit it leaves me lost for words, this from the naturalist who travels the world making wildlife films no doubt in the company of a film crew and all the equipment necessary for filming is joining a protest about pollution, what about his carbon footprint.

My suggestion for all these protesters is to walk home and stop polluting our cities for before you start criticising everybody else look to your own actions, and remember as the old saying goes; if you live in a glass house, don’t throw stones.

Tuesday, 16 April 2019

Game of Thrones.

My post today concerns the massively popular Game of Thrones  and a cry for help from my blog in that I am asking the question; "Is there anybody out there?"

Image result for game of thrones

I have another blog which is called The Diary of a Country Bumpkin which is read by many and receives comments from far and wide, however this one gets very few comments hence my question, Is there anybody out there?

When I first started this blog I was very naive and had no idea that you had to reply to people who commented which may have some bearing on the fact that no-one contacts me here, perhaps they thought I was too aloof or they didn't understand my English sense of humour.

There is of course the other option that no-one is actually seeing this which is why I have chosen for my topic today Game of Thrones, for I am assuming this to be such a popular topic that if no-one responds I imagine that the post itself is not being seen.

I am most definitely not a computer whizz kid and have checked my blog and it seems I have the controls set to public so I'm hoping for great things.

Now for the slightly more controversial part of this post and I have to be honest, I absolutely loathe and detest Game of Thrones. My wife has inflicted this awful programme on me on more than one occasion and I have absolutely no idea why anybody would want to watch this load of fairy tale nonsense, I cannot stand it.

 Image result for marmite


It is what they call in Great Britain a Marmite programme, you either love it or hate it and I'm afraid I am in the latter camp.

Well, that is the end of my post for today and I look forward to receiving feedback from the many Game of Thrones followers even though they may not quite agree with my opinion of the programme, it will at least prove there is somebody out there!

Thursday, 4 April 2019

TOM'S DAD.


My latest children's book available on Amazon.

Another delightful children's book by Joe Wells telling the story of the rather accident prone Tom's dad, his exploits when trying to paint the house, to driving his car into the duck pond and an unfortunate episode when attempting to bell ring at the local church. Tom's dad continues with losing his shorts at the school father's running race and later being dragged by dogs when he helps with the dog walking. He suffers more accidents until he finally succeeds when he attacks an old tree with a chainsaw and produces a rather wonderful carving making his son very proud of him. This book is entertaining for children of 5 to 8 years of age, with wonderful illustrations for the children and a few jokes for the adults who may be reading to them.

Friday, 29 March 2019

A little light relief from Brexit.

Some of my readers will be familiar with the fact that I am a Bentley owner and belong to The Bentley Drivers Club but I am also a member of the Rolls Royce Enthusiasts Club which also caters for Bentley owners.

I received the monthly RREC magazine this morning and within were the following two amusing anecdotes which I quickly copied which I hope will give a little light relief from Brexit!

Unfortunately my computer skills are so rubbish I could find no way to enlarge it sufficiently as to be able to read it properly so I have retyped it for you.


SOME LIGHT RELIEF.

Why women make better assassins.


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing was done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never kill my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "So I had to kill him with the chair."


Steve Thomas.


WONDERFULLY BRITISH.

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy."

You set yourselves apart too much.

You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me; "I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood."

"What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied. "How very sporting of your mother."


Dave Brooks.




Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Leisure.

I wish I could say I am writing this at my leisure but sadly not, I am writing this firstly as the your-daily-word-prompt and also as an exercise to see if I can convince Wordpress to play nicely with Blogger.

The image I have uploaded is just to give a feel to the word leisure for surely to an Englishman an afternoon asleep in his shed having read a good book with the radio tuned to Her Majesty's Radio Four is to many the peak of leisurely activity.

 Image result for man in deckchair in shed

Yet again another highlight of leisurely pastimes especially for the British is a day watching cricket on the village green, to an Englishman there are few things as satisfying as the sound of leather on willow and then topped off with a couple of pints of beer in the pub afterwards.

 Image result for village cricket match

However much as these wonderful images of leisure are a feast for the eyes, the main purpose of this blog is to endeavour to make the link I have attached below go to the place I intend it to go to and to this end it is the only pingback in this post.

If this doesn't end up going to your-daily-word-prompt it will confirm my suspicions that Wordpress and Blogger do not have the ability to play nicely together.  

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/26/your-daily-word-prompt-leisure-march-26-2019/

Monday, 25 March 2019

Politician of the decade.

I wonder if being a good politician is a teachable skill, looking round the world I somehow doubt it as most of them are absolutely useless, we have our lot in Great Britain who seem unable to organise a cocktail party in an off licence.

Mr Trump who I personally wouldn't trust as far as I could throw him, Africa where it seems all of them are as bent as a nine bob note, Venezuela where the place is awash with oil and yet the population are starving, in Russia they have the dictator Putin and finally to name but a few in Syria we have Bashar-al-Assad who thinks nothing of gassing his population to death. What a fine bunch of "politicians" they are. It's only recently I realised "politician" was a euphemism.

Then last week after the tragic events in New Zealand where in a horrific attack on a mosque in Christchurch 50 people were killed when a crazed gunman ran amok with a semi automatic rifle.

Image result for semi automatic rifle
I believe these guns are sometimes called hunting rifles, although Lord only knows why you would need what is effectively a high powered machine gun for hunting unless you want to take out an entire herd of wildebeest in one go.

However the events afterwards caused my heart to fly on gossamer wings when within a week the Prime Minister of New Zealand took the appropriate steps to ban these guns altogether and it is for this reason that I would suggest that Jacinda Ardern is the Politician of the decade.

Tuesday, 19 March 2019

Your Daily Word Prompt, Besmirch.


I was actually prompted to write this post when I read a post by Pensivity 101 called God's Waiting Room where she was bemoaning the service from her local doctor and my reply became longer than intended so I decided to use it as a post instead.

I am not going to besmirch my local doctor's service as I don't have to use it too often, however getting a repeat prescription on time is like getting blood from a stone.

Image result for bleeding stone

I'm lucky in that I only have the one check up per year, I think they only call you in to check you're alive but my biggest problem with the doctors is getting repeat prescriptions.

They have a dispensary on site so in the old days you would put your prescription in the box on the counter and two or at the most three days later your medicine would be ready.

Over the years it now takes longer and longer for the medicine to be ready and I now do it on line as it seems to be a little better organised but it still takes about seven working days and if you forget to calculate the non working days into the equation it takes even longer.

If it continues like this I can see having to go and pick up the monthly medicine and go straight home and order the next moth just to be sure you will get it in time.

Very frustrating but I suppose we have to be philosophical and compare it to other countries in the world where they can't get any medicine at all.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/19/your-daily-word-prompt-besmirch-march-19-2019/

Thursday, 14 March 2019

Brexit politicians, they couldn't organise a cocktail party in an off licence.

They say power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely and whilst most of our current politicians are not outwardly corrupt they are more than happy to corrupt the facts concerning Brexit.

Here are two who I happened to hear on the television this morning who were blaming the current Brexit situation for the poor state of sales in the car factories in their constituency.


                       Image result for caroline spelman                                   Image result for jack dromey

These two fine politicians are the Conservative MP Caroline Spelman and the Labour MP Jack Dromey who have the Land Rover and Jaguar car plants in their respective constituencies.

Whilst it is true that Land Rover and Jaguar sales have declined recently I would suggest the blame for the fall in sales especially of diesel vehicles lies with the politicians who have recently brought in the ULEZ (Ultra Low Emission Zone) which charges vehicles £12.50 a day.

The politicians who have changed company car tax and have introduced parking surcharges for diesel cars and are aiming for a total ban on diesel cars in London by 2025, leading to a complete ban of diesel cars by 2040.

I think it fair to say that the current state of the Brexit negotiations has had no effect on current car sales, however the punitive, taxes, surcharges and intended bans on diesels has had a very great effect on new car sales.

It seems a little hypocritical for these two politicians to blame Brexit when clearly the problem is caused by Parliament and the MP's within that house, (including these two) who are bringing in this punitive legislation.

When will politicians ever learn the electorate are not stupid, we can see right through you so stop bullshitting!


I was going to post this on my other blog, The Diary of a Country Bumpkin but I wanted to see if I could make pingbacks work from this site, I look forward to assessing the results! 

Saturday, 9 March 2019

The Weekend Writing Prompt #96 Seashore.




Seashore.

I must go down to the sea again,
to the beautiful sea and the sky,
I left my shoes and socks there,
I wonder if they're dry.

I went back down to the seashore,
but the sea was lapping the beach,
I then waded as far as I was able,
but my shoes had floated out of reach.




Friday, 8 March 2019

Daily Word Press Nobility.

I have been prompted to use this post again as it's ideal for the subject of nobility which is the subject for today's Daily Word Prompt and also to test my new found skills in creating pingbacks, although I am uncertain if this Blogger site will pingback to a Wordpress site, we shall see.

I have a confession, due to a joke which I first shared with my friends some time in the 1980’s, I have been masquerading as a Lord. This was originally started due to my being adopted when I was one year old and as many adopted people I had delusions of grandeur and was always waiting for my birth father The Marquis of Bath to turn up and bestow the county of Berkshire upon me. Needless to say he never came, but the Lord Joe Wells stuck.
I am proud to announce that I am no longer a charlatan as I have been awarded a Lordship from the Principality of Sealand, an old wartime fort off the English coast far enough out to be in international waters which has declared itself a principality.
Here is a copy of my registration deed as proof.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/08/your-daily-word-prompt-nobility-march-8-2019/

Saturday, 2 March 2019

Daily Word Prompt, Magic.

I rather fancy having a go at todays word prompt and the main reason for this if I'm not mistaken is the fact that the link to pingback is included in the question.

If I have not got the wrong end of the stick all I have to do is place the text in my post and as if by magic it will pingback to wherever it's supposed to go.

I have mentioned on numerous occasions that I am completely useless at creating pingbacks and now I find one included with the prompt, why I'm forced to ask doesn't everyone do this.

Well, that's my post on magic and a little rant on pingbacks which only leaves me to find something interesting to place here and I have chosen a picture of one of the funniest magicians ever, the remarkable Tommy Cooper, together with a link to You Tube. Enjoy!

 Image result for tommy cooper



https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/02/your-daily-word-prompt-magic-march-2-2019/

Friday, 1 March 2019

Appease.


This is a very quick post prompted by the Word of the day challenge Appease which reminded me of Neville Chamberlain and his attempt to appease Hitler prior to the Second World War.

The photo below depicts his return from Germany on 30th September 1938 when he gave his speech, I have in my hand a piece of paper from Heir Hitler.


Often miss quoted he said, "Peace for our time." It was not to be and on 3rd September 1939 he gave the following speech.

"This morning the British Ambassador in Berlin handed the German Government a final note stating that, unless we heard from them by 11 o'clock that they were prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland, a state of war would exist between us."

"I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received and that consequently this country is at war with Germany." 


Thursday, 28 February 2019

Killing three birds with one stone, as they say.

I have recently noticed that there are some people who take part in the various writing challenges who are using their loaves and are combining three in one post, how very clever.

Having decided to follow suit my post today will combine the 3 Things Challenge, the word of the day challenge and the FOWC word, so all I have to do now is think of a suitable subject and insert the five chosen words.

Now I don't want to waffle on writing rubbish just for the sake of it for my wit is as sharp as a javelin when pushed to it, for I do not want anyone pointing their finger at me by way of criticism of my efforts.

Oddly enough I had written earlier on another post how when writing I now sit at my desk drinking tea and devour biscuits or cake which was considerably better than in my youth when I would sit and chain smoke instead.

This post is now going to develop into a musical extravaganza as I post links to some wonderful music for your edification and delight.

I have a habit of listening to music whilst writing so firstly a link to the wonderful Harry and Edna on the wireless, who play wonderful gramophone swing and old time music whilst featuring guests and news on the current British vintage scene the link to the episode I am currently listening to is below.

https://www.mixcloud.com/harryandedna/ww2-womens-institute-reenactor/?utm_campaign=notification_new_upload&utm_medium=email&utm_source=notification&utm_content=html 

They played a rather splendid track called Countless Blues by the Kansas City Six which for some reason reminded me of the song by The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band called The Intro and Outro which contained such superb lyrics as "and a very relaxed Adolph Hitler on vibes."

The lyrics are posted here and the link for this quirky music is below, I assume some of you may be familiar with it. It helps to have a slightly off the wall sense of humour, but enjoy anyway!

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DUEAG5eO6c

Hi there, nice to be with you, glad you could stick around. 
Like to introduce `Legs' Larry Smith, drums 
And Sam Spoons, rhythm pole 
And Vernon Dudley Bohay-Nowell, bass guitar 
And Neil Innes, piano. 
Come in Rodney Slater on the saxophone 
With Roger Ruskin Spear on tenor sax. 
I, Vivian Stanshall, trumpet. 
Say hello to big John Wayne, xylophone 
And Robert Morley, guitar. 
Billy Butlin, spoons. 
And looking very relaxed, Adolf Hitler on vibes. 
Nice! 
Princess Anne on sousaphone. 
Mmm. 
Introducing Liberace, clarinet 
With Garner "Ted" Armstrong on vocals. 
[Jazzy scat singing] 
Lord Snooty and his pals, tap dancing. 
In the groove with Harold Wilson, violin 
And Franklin McCormack on harmonica. 
Over there, Eric Clapton, ukulele. 
Hi Eric! 
On my left Sir Kenneth Clark, bass sax. 
A great honour, sir. 
And specially flown in for us, the session's gorilla on vox humana. 
Nice to see Incredible Shrinking Man on euphonium. 
Drop out with Peter Scott on duck call. 
Hearing from you later, Casanova on horn. 
Yeah! Digging General de Gaulle on accordion. 
Rather wild, General! 
Thank you, sir. 
Roy Rogers on Trigger. 
Tune in Wild Man of Borneo on bongos. 
Count Basie Orchestra on triangle. 
[CBO:] (Ting!) 
Thank you. 
Great to hear the Rawlinsons on trombone. 
Back from his recent operation, Dan Druff, harp. 
And representing the flower people, Quasimodo on bells. 
[Q:] Hooray! 
Wonderful to hear Brainiac on banjo. 
We welcome Val Doonican as himself. 
[V:] Hullo there! 
Very appealing, Max Jaffa. 
Mmm, that's nice, Max! 
What a team, Zebra Kid and Horace Batchelor on percussion. 
A great favourite and a wonderf 

Monday, 25 February 2019

3TC Three things challenge. Balloon Socks Hiccups

Short of time yet again so my post will be very short but should you follow my link I like to think you will be entertained for some time longer.

My immediate thought when seeing this collection of words was a reminder of a play which I wrote which was produced by The Wireless Theatre Company, it was called Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori and told the tale of troops in the First World War through their letters.

I was reminded of the horror of it all when the balloon goes up and the fear when creeping about in no mans land on a dark night with no moon, hoping not to get hiccups to give your position away and strangely the most requested item by the troops, clean new socks.

Please follow the link and enjoy the play; https://www.wirelesstheatrecompany.co.uk/product/first-world-war-radio-drama/



Saturday, 23 February 2019

Word of the day challenge. Itching.

The only reason I am itching to take part in the word of the day challenge is to attempt to create a ping back as it always seems so ridiculously complicated and it it far easier to copy the RRL ? at the top of the page and put that in the comments section.

I received the following description from Dee Kelly and as yet have not tried to create the pingback so it is with some trepidation that I am attempting to make head nor tails of the description below.

If you want to try a pingback, it isn’t as complicated as it sounds. If you view your post as HTML then past this in: Commit that will create one. Then for each post you change the link to the day’s post (this part: https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/02/22/commit/) and change the word “Commit” to the word of the day.


 https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/02/23/itching/

I have no idea why I had to look at my post in HTML but it was as expected gobbledegook, so I came back to ordinary text and tried to change the word commit which was yesterdays word to todays word itching together with the change of date.

Whether doing this will have any effect as a pingback I have no idea but I will not put a link in the comments which means (I think!) that if any of you see this the thing above must have worked.

I am itching to see if it works but as a sceptical old bugger I'm not holding my breath waiting. I have a funny feeling I may have got the wrong end of the stick.

Thursday, 21 February 2019

Three Things Challenge 3TC Keyboard. Bananas. Rattle.

I have been sitting at my keyboard having eaten some bananas as I could hear what was left of my breakfast rattle in the cavernous emptiness of my stomach. As you can tell I am a very lazy eater, far easier to get some chocolate, or some cake, or if the worst came to the worst I could just sit here starving to death.

Even if I had the ability to leave my computer and prepare a fantastic repast I'm afraid I would have to resist as I came across an article on line which I had to comment on, as it seemed yet another example of "green" thinking taking over even if it appears to end up disappearing up its own anus.

All too frequently nowadays one reads something and thinks, "what a bloody stupid idea!"

Gas hobs could be banned from being installed in new homes within seven years

It seems there is a suggestion that in six years time we shall not be able to use gas hobs in our kitchens and be forced to install some form of low carbon heating system in our homes, there was no suggestion as to what this system might be.

Forgive me for not understanding but it seems we won't be able to heat our homes with gas, so I'm forced to wonder what will we be using.

I'm assuming it must be electricity, the same energy source that they want us to runs our cars on, which leaves me to wonder how are they going to generate the enormous amount of electricity required to power all these things.

The only way I can see this working is to use all the surplus gas that we are not allowed to use in some sort of gas fuelled power station.

Or to save all the unnecessary expense and waste of natural resources by manufacturing all this new infrastructure we could forgo these changes and simply carry on using gas in our homes and petrol in our cars.

For, "if it ain't broke, it doesn't need fixing!"

Monday, 18 February 2019

I was minding my own business.

I got a call today to say that one of my classic cars which had gone to the garage for some bodywork was finished and ready for collection, which made me very happy.

Some time later when my wife was free we set off in a modern car to pick up the classic, I was driving and would change at the garage for my wife to drive home, all very simple so far.

Before leaving my wife said that she needed to buy a packet of rice and a bottle of water so we agreed to stop at the small supermarket on the way where I would stay in the car whilst she went in.

The car park being a little cramped if I do visit this particular supermarket I usually take our older 4x4 which I'm not quite so precious about, a lot of people nowadays don't seem to care at all about their cars and are only to willing to bash their doors on the car next to theirs or sometimes do far more serious damage when parking.

Having parked, my wife went into the shop and I took the opportunity whilst I had a brief moment to try to re-tune the radio whilst I was waiting, they seem to be shutting more and more FM ariels, I suppose because we have gone digital.

All well and good except all my cars have old fashioned radios, in fact the 1947 Bentley has a rather splendid valve radio which is still capable of receiving Radio 4 on the Long Wave.

Not long after I had started fiddling with the radio a chap appeared at my drivers window and knocked on the glass, whereupon I opened the door to hear what he was saying.

"Excuse me mate," he said, "but can you tell me why your engine is running?"

Somewhat taken aback by his question, my first thought was; "What on earth are you asking me that for!" Or words to that effect.

Unfortunately the best I could come up with by way of a reply was; "What!"

To which he said, "Your engine is running and polluting the atmosphere."

This left me even more discombobulated and I found myself once again lost for words, so I shut the door and carried on trying to tune the radio.

My encounter with this gentleman then took an even stranger turn as the fellow to whom I had been speaking, who to all intense and purpose had the look of a perfectly normal man of 50 to 60 years of age and not at all like a self proclaimed eco-warrier.

I was expecting that he might walk away, or go to the bus stop, or even leave on his bicycle, but no; he proceeded to get into the car which was parked next to me and drive away.

You can draw your own conclusions from the facts here presented, personally I'm still trying to make sense of it all.


Wednesday, 13 February 2019

The reason I don't wear shorts in England.


                  
I was prompted to put this up as a response to another blog elsewhere which made me think of this which I wrote about my local pub, some of which is true. The remark about not wearing shorts in England came about at the end of a fairly drunken evening and seems to make sense, except the fellow who uttered the phrase was not prompted in any way to comment on the wearing of shorts nor had the subject come up in conversation. It was one of those wonderful moments when for no reason at all someone uttered a random phrase and it was placed in my memory bank for a later date to re-emerge in this poem.


THE REASON I DON’T WEAR SHORTS IN ENGLAND


My local pub is a wonderful place,
full of humour, wit and joie de vivre.
Folk of every race, creed and colour,
who laugh, chat and drink together.

I’m not so keen on football supporters, who
mostly loud, stand in your face.
They all assume you care who’s winning,
even when you look away.

Next door there is a coin-op launderette,
and a haberdasher, now closed down.
It gives the place an old-fashioned feeling,
or is it just the people there?

I find it’s best when nights are quiet,
like being in an old-style movie.
A row of faces all sat along the bar,
everyone with a tale to tell.

The wonderful old dyke with cigarette holder,
held aloft, now never lit.
Uncle George who’s a serious alcoholic,
always with a gin in hand.

John who cycles in from Palmers Green,
on a ladies bike with wicker basket.
Or the chap who’s always in the corner,
reading Philip Larkin prose.

Then the older drunken fellow, who would,
often utter this strange phrase.
The reason I don’t wear shorts in England,
is because of varicose veins.

Saturday, 9 February 2019

3TC Challenge. Canteen Language Tolerable

I was surprised when something I had written some time ago came up on Facebook as I wasn't expecting to see it at all. Having read it again I was reminded that it was a moderately amusing post so set about thinking of a means of re posting.

Then, as luck would have it along came the three things challenge and I was away on a hack, as they say.

My post concerns Members of Parliament and their new code of conduct which one hopes will control the Members language when in the bars and canteen and make the whole working environment  tolerable for all those working in the House of Commons.


Members of Parliament code of conduct.

It seems Members of Parliament are to be given a code of conduct, which leaves me somewhat surprised and I have to wonder what calibre of person are we electing that they would need a code of conduct for the work place?
At this point I have to insert a warning for the benefit of the snowflakes, the outraged females or males, the gay, bi-sexual, transgender and lesbian, the generally over sensitive and any other groups of the population who I have omitted who may take offence, that the following article may contain words of a sexual nature.
One would have hoped that most of the Members of Parliament would have had a reasonable education with which to equip themselves for the job, long gone are the days when a working class hero was elected from a down trodden mining village, short on education and manners. Having said that I think they may have been quite good with the manners as they knew their place in the old days, so the doffing of their cap to a better would have been second nature, even if they may have left a little coal dust on the furniture when sitting down, although obviously not in the presence of a lady.
I'm guessing that the modern code of conduct will contain useful information, for example, don't come into the office and grab your female assistant by the breasts and utter the phrase,"What ho, Dorris and how's your day been so far." Whereas the previous advice in the bad old days would probably been, remember to warm your hands first.
Leering at a young female intern with your hand down your trousers in a suggestive manner will also be frowned upon in the modern politically correct culture.
The same type of rules will apply when it involves two men, it's not going to be considered cricket to grab a young male employee by the waist and whisper in his ear, "I hadn't realised you were quite so muscular, Robert, I'd love to see you naked." Together with, "I have a conference in Brighton at the weekend Robert and I am taking you as my assistant, I have booked a double room, I'm sure that's ok with you?"
Threatening someone with a visit to the Whip's office is permissible as long as it's just a dressing down from the chief Whip and doesn't involve any sadomasochistic acts much as the phrase,"a visit to the chief Whip" may suggest it.
It will be frowned upon for any person to harass, harry, torment, persecute, annoy, bother, disturb, or in any way upset fellow workers, grabbing a colleague by the throat and shouting in a violent fashion will be deemed a sack-able offence.
Long gone will be the practice of having sex in the stationary cupboard and about time too I say, I tried it once and would not recommend it, having, in a moment of passion, nearly stapled a vital part of my anatomy to the cupboard door.
These are just a few suggestions from me which could go in the code of conduct, I can't wait to see the list of sexual perversions the MP's themselves think should be in the book, oh yes, I haven't mentioned bestiality.