Friday, 24 July 2020

THE CASE OF THE GREASE MONKEY'S UNCLE.

I have not been idle during the Covid lock down for I have spent my time constructively writing a detective novel and to quote my own publicity blurb.
The Case of the Grease Monkey’s Uncle is set in 1947 and tells the story of James Arbuthnott and Arcibald Cluff, two recently demobbed soldiers and the first case for their Detective Agency, Arbuthnott and Cluff.
James was the taller of the two, with wavy fair hair and a moustache to match, very much the Officer and Gentleman and although of Scottish descent he had no trace of an accent, educated at Eton he had that distinguished confident air that immediately says, good breeding whilst his colleague was shorter and an altogether rougher diamond with ginger hair, from the East End of London, it would be true to say that one was tall and good looking whilst the other was not so lucky in the looks department and was built like a brick out house.
The mystery of the disappearance of the Uncle of William Trubshaw, involves criminality, murder, glamour, intrigue and occasionally down right stupidity.
It is available now on Amazon.co.uk and very reasonably priced I might add.

Thursday, 25 June 2020

FITBIT.

My wife has a fitbit, I believe this is her second, although I know of people who have had quite a few, some through fashion and some due to malfunction, this being the case with my wife, although to be fair she has had it for five years.
As a collector of classic cars, my current oldest is 70 years old and still in perfect working order, I’m thinking a product made with modern production methods and precision engineering ought to last longer than five years, especially as the latest top of the range costs £199.00.
Fitbit Versa 2 Review - Why it's Worth £199
My wife though was adamant, she must have a replacement fitbit, for how else will she be able to tell how much exercise she has had in the day or how well she has slept at night?
I had a suggestion for her which may help to save the cost of a new fitbit and one which I use myself; when you go to bed at night if you are feeling exhausted, then it is safe to assume you have been very busy and taken a lot of exercise in some form or other, conversely when you waken in the morning if you are also feeling exceedingly tired, it is fairly safe to assume you haven’t had a good nights sleep, it’s not rocket science!

CORONA VIRUS DEEPENS INEQUALITY.

I was watching a news item this morning concerning the effects of Covid 19 on the poor and underprivileged which I thought rather stated the bleeding obvious, that poor and underprivileged people were suffering more in the current situation.
Without putting too fine a point on it, I would have thought it safe to say that the poor and underprivileged suffer more whatever the situation, however I believe the news went on to suggest the poor would be suffering in the current heat wave we are experiencing in the UK today, when they are queuing outside the shops; I have a feeling I may have conflated the news and the weather forecast but I couldn’t be certain.
Whilst I am not poor, I am certainly not rich, but to my great joy I do have sufficient funds to be the proud owner of two Sola Topee, or Pith Helmets as they are more commonly known.
I have a British Army Foreign Service Tropical Pith Helmet the type worn in the 19th century.
British Army Foreign Service Tropical Pith Helmet in Khaki: Amazon ...
I also have an Indian style Sola Topee also know as a Bombay Bowler, both of which are very stylish and most suitable for the current weather conditions, which leads me back to the original point of this post; for whilst I am lucky enough to have the choice of two Pith Helmets, the poor and underprivileged will have to resort to the old tried and tested knotted handkerchief on the head should they wish to protect themselves from the harsh rays of the Sun.
Indian Pith Helmet - Khaki from Village Hats.

Monday, 22 June 2020

GETTING BACK TO NORMAL.

I saw this story on social media but have seen no mention of it on UK news but I believe it to be true, in this day and age, who knows what is true and what is not?
It appears that “individuals on foot” started shooting in southwest Minneapolis on 21st June 12.37am American time, which to me in the UK is yesterday.
I imagine this must have been a random attack as there are reports of twelve people with gunshot wounds one of which has died, the Police believe there was more than one shooter.
The incident took place near Landmark’s Uptown Theatre where there are several bars and restaurants, although one report said, there were lots of shots and it sounded like groups of people shooting at each other.
Minneapolis' Uptown Theatre celebrates 100th birthday
The report was a little vague as to exactly where this neighbourhood is but as someone who lives in the UK, I imagine this is not the part of town that has been damaged and looted.
There were no specific details of the ethnicity of those shooting or of those who were shot and there was no mention as to whether it might have been gang or drug related, so I’m none the wiser as to the cause of this shooting.
I have no more information that I can add to this, except to perhaps add the comment; Isn’t it nice to be getting back to normal.

Friday, 19 June 2020

THE UK FOREIGN AID BUDGET.

It seems the UK is to merge the DfID and the Foreign Office and will review our Foreign Aid budget which is set at 0.7% of GDP and this year was 15 Billion pounds.
One doesn’t want to appear too stingy but 15 Billion pounds to feed people in countries which have their own Space program does seem a tad generous and leaves one wondering where the money is going.
I have no idea what sort of food aid we are sending but I would have thought at these prices they must all be dining at the Ritz!

Friday, 12 June 2020

ABOLISH SLAVERY.

This is a request to all the young people who are out there pulling down all the statues of previous slave traders with such hatred for this awful practice.
I have to point out however, what I feel is somewhat ironic in their actions as I would imagine it is predominantly these same young people who are enabling the modern day slave trade to exist by purchasing cheap clothing made by workers on virtually poverty wages in countries like India.
Perhaps someone could point out the irony of the situation to them, for I feel they are very unlikely to see it for themselves.
Will the pandemic finally push Primark into ecommerce? - Retail ...

GAS-LIGHTED AND MANSPLAINING ON BBC RADIO FOUR.

I was listening to Her Majesty’s BBC Radio Four News this morning where the reporter was talking about Priti Patel who had apparently been gas-lighted and then went on to explain that gas-lighting was; to make someone unsure of something, in this case, something relating to her ethnic origin.
The reporter went on further to suggest she had been mansplained but gave no explanation of what the word may have meant and having looked it up it is; for a man to explain something to a woman in a patronising or condescending manner.
December 2016 - Illuminating the Inn - Lincoln's Inn
Why indeed was a reporter using such modern and made up words on BBC Radio Four News and who on earth did he think he was talking to, I very much doubt if any of the usual Radio Four listeners would have the faintest idea what he was talking about.
Personally I am very much against this modern trend for making up new words and I find myself extremely discombobulated by their usage and have a preference for the more established words like discombobulated, the earliest reference I could find was for 1879.
I wonder if in 141 years time gas-lighted will have established itself as a word in common usage, I have to say I’m extremely sceptical about the possibility of that happening, in the meantime perhaps they would merely refrain from using the word on Radio Four.

Thursday, 11 June 2020

TAKING ALL THE STATUES DOWN.

I just wanted to point out that we won the Second World War and at the time we were in the right fighting against Hitler who tried to obliterate the Jewish race by starving and gassing them to death together with Gay and Black people.
I thought it only right to post this information before all the statues are taken down leaving no record of this event for the young people of today to learn from.
Winston Churchill statue on Woodford Green | He looks quite … | Flickr

Wednesday, 10 June 2020

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCE PHILLIP.

Wonderful to see Prince Phillip celebrating his 99th birthday today, one hopes he remains fit and healthy and manages to get a telegram from the Queen next year.
Prince Philip: Photo with Queen to mark Duke of Edinburgh's 99th ...

Sunday, 31 May 2020

JAGUAR ELECTRIC CARS.

Due to Corvid 19 sales of cars in the UK have dropped to the same level as 1946 the year after World War Two, when the country was almost bankrupt, which has caused Jaguar to ask the Government for a £1bn loan.
Now call me a sceptical old so and so but I’m wondering why you would give them this money when due to pressure from the Government all the car manufactures are being forced to producing nothing but electric cars by 2035.
JLR Receives £500m Loan From UK Government For EV Development ...
There are only 200,000 electric cars in the UK at the moment proving how unpopular they are, the range achieved from a charge is abysmal, the Lithium for the batteries pollutes the planet, they are vastly expensive to buy and as yet no manufacturer has made a profit from selling electric cars.
Perhaps it might be better to invest £1bn in manufacturing a clean fuel for the already successful internal combustion engine, that way Jaguar can continue to make a profit and the Government would get its money back!

Friday, 29 May 2020

THE DUNKIRK EVACUATION.

The Dunkirk Evacuation took place from 26th May to 4th June 1940 and was an attempt to rescue as many of The British Expeditionary Force as was possible from the beaches and harbour of Dunkirk.

What you Need to Know about the Dunkirk Evacuations | Imperial War ...

In total 338,226 Allied troops were rescued from Dunkirk mainly due to the use of the Little Ships which were motor boats and cruisers which were requisitioned by the Admiralty and sailed to Dunkirk to help load the troops from the beaches where the larger ships could not go.  


Operation Dynamo: The Dunkirk Evacuation | World of Warships

Were it not for the actions of all the brave men involved I think it fair to say we would have lost the war.

Saturday, 16 May 2020

THE DAM BUSTERS.

On the evening of 16th May 1943 at 21.39 the 617 Squadron of Lancaster bombers left Scampton to head for the Rhur Valley to destroy the Mohne, Eder and Sorpe dams.

Dambusters raid: new book by historian MAX HASTINGS brings it to ...
The following day 17th May 1943 they returned, 53 of the 133 who left the previous evening were dead.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Friday, 15 May 2020

The drop off in A&E attendances.

Apparently there has been a considerable drop off in attendances at A&E since the outbreak of Covid19 and the worry is that there are considerable numbers of people who are sitting at home desperately ill and too frightened to visit hospital.
A&E waiting times: really the best measure of NHS success?
Personally I’m a little sceptical about that as I can speak personally as a friend of mine had an aortic aneurysm which ruptured leaving him unconscious and effectively bleeding to death and at no time did he show reluctance to enter hospital during this medical emergency, obviously it’s a little hard to show reluctance when you’re unconscious. I’m glad to add that he survived, much against the odds and is now on the road to recovery.
I imagine this would be the case with most of the medical emergencies that have happened since the arrival of Covid 19, for faced with the decision of staying out of hospital and bleeding to death on the pavement or, taking ones chances with Covid 19 I think the decision is not that hard to make.
Perhaps, the answer to the lack of attendances has more to do with the fact that considerable numbers of us are at home doing nothing more dangerous than laying in bed late watching television where the only danger is from inadvertently falling out of bed, a situation which could be alleviated by the judicious placing of some spare pillows.
Once up and about, assuming we have made a hot beverage safely without spilling boiling water all over ourselves, something I imagine the vast majority of the population manage under normal circumstances every morning, almost with their eyes shut.
Then taking the hot beverage into one’s lounge to sit down and read a good book as long as we have taken good heath and safety measures with the hot drink we can read safely all day, as long as we don’t fall asleep and drop the heavy book on our foot we should be relatively safe.
Once upon a time the two most dangerous things in the house were the stairs and tea cosy’s and as I imagine very few people use a tea cosy nowadays we are just left with the dangers of ascending or descending the stairs.
I believe trousers have taken the place of tea cosy’s, as people tend to trip up when putting them on, not a problem for those who have placed pillows at the bedside as they should break your fall before you do any damage.
9 Lovely Knitted Tea Cosy Patterns
I would have thought by now most people are aware of the dangers posed by the stairs and take adequate care unless of course alcohol comes into the equation, but under the present situation even that can be eliminated as a considerable portion of the public drink responsibly and would have no problem with the stairs.
This however leaves us with those of us who tend not to drink in moderation, for even with excessive drinking we have the situation covered, if you are too drunk you fall asleep downstairs thereby eliminating the danger, and if you wake up and attempt the stairs you probably give up in a heap at the bottom, even those who might attempt the stairs are fairly safe as it will only be achievable by crawling or by going stair by stair on one’s bottom.
There is obviously a lot more sex going on at the moment which might account for some of the people still attending A&E but even so there can’t be that many who turn up with the story of how they happened to be naked and accidentally slipped and fell on a Coka-Cola bottle or light bulb which somehow entered their anus.
That seems to have just about covered the subject and all I can do now is offer a few words to help you stay safe, DON’T DO ANYTHING. I hope this helps!

Wednesday, 13 May 2020

INTERNATIONAL NURSES DAY.

I have only just caught the news for today but apparently it is International Nurses Day where we are celebrating nurses on this day 12th May 1820 the birth of Florence Nightingale and quite right that we celebrate all the wonderful work that our Nurses are doing in this time of trouble.
However let’s not forget another wonderful nurse Mary Seacole who pre-dates Nightingale as she was born on 23rd November 1805.
Coronavirus: Seacole hospital 'a tribute' to BAME NHS staff - BBC News
Perhaps we could include her in this celebration and give a thought for her on the anniversary of her death on 14th May which will be Thursday of this week.

Tuesday, 12 May 2020

CLASS.

Someone put this photo on Facebook and there was quite a difference of opinion as to whether this was a good way to travel, personally I thought it looked rather splendid.

Much better than a long haul plane, when you fancy a change from talking with others in the observation car and looking at the wonderful views, you can get up and walk the entire length of the train or go back to your compartment for a little rest before later going for dinner and then a little drinkypoo in the bar before retiring for the night.

It seems very civilised to me, although even better would be the experience of an old fashioned ocean liner, which is the same as the train but with more space, not I hasten to add one of the modern versions which look like Disneyland on Sea.

Image may contain: 1 person, sitting

However there was also the school of thought that travelling in the rather more relaxed and casually dressed modern way was a better option, what do you think?

Sunday, 10 May 2020

COMMENTS BOX ON BLOGGER.

I have written previously of my lack of ability with computers and am currently having a problem with this blog as we speak and having asked on the Blogger forum thing, I suddenly had the bright idea to ask you dear reader, for I know you are out there.

One assumes that I see my blog the same way as anyone who reads it does, so I shall explain what I see and ask if you would be so kind to reply and let me know what you are seeing.

Firstly when I open the blog I have 10 posts which are visible, one after the other down the page, none of which have a comments box displayed, it is not until you actually click on the title that the post opens up on a page of its own and then displays the comments box.

I HOPE I'M NOT BORING YOU!

I have tried all sorts of setting to try to make the comments box show up without having to open the post up as I think it deters people from leaving comments, as I said before I'm not good with the tech side of computing, I just do the writing!

Bletchley Park | The National Museum of Computing

Would any of you out there who have experienced this problem and know how to fix it be kind enough to leave a comment with details of how to fix it in the box, assuming you can find it!

Bearing in mind I have posted a picture of the first computer at Bletchley Park to give you an idea of my computer skills, so if you could keep it simple I would be extremely grateful, imagine you are talking to an idiot. Thank you. 

VE DAY TALES.

With all the VE Day celebrations I came across this from the wonderful Spike Milligan a very amusing man.

Image may contain: possible text that says '"My grandfather brought down 3 Messerschmitts and 2 Heinkels during the Battle of Britain -he was undoubtedly the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe." Spike Milligan'


Friday, 8 May 2020

VE DAY.

I must say what a splendid job some people have done in decorating their houses in honour of the 75 year VE Day celebrations, which makes my little tribute look rather paltry but as you can see from the photo even if I had emblazoned the house with bunting it would still be hardly noticeable from the road.  As they say, it’s the thought that counts.
IMG_1365

HAPPY VE DAY.

HAPPY VE DAY EVERYONE.
I LOOK FORWARD TO A TIME WHEN WE CAN ALL MEET AGAIN.
IN THE MEAN TIME KEEP SAFE.
VE Day celebrations – Mayfield Festival of Music and the Arts

Thursday, 7 May 2020

Fxxk off Keir Starmer.

I happened to catch Prime Ministers question time on the evening news today and was wondering if the press and the Opposition were quite so hostile to Winston Churchill during World War Two, or did they all pull together for the benefit of the country?
Boris Johnson speaks during Prime Minister’s Questions in the House of Commons on Wednesday
Personally I don’t think I could have the sort of willpower displayed by the Prime Minister who one imagines is doing his absolute best to deal with the awful coronavirus situation, having indeed come close to death himself.
I’m sure if I was asked the sort of annoying and inane questions he has been asked I would have resorted to answering as follows; “any idiot can stand there and ask this nonsense with the benefit of hindsight, why don’t you fxxk off you annoying little shit, I’m doing my best!

Wednesday, 6 May 2020

PROFESSOR LOCK DOWN MAKES COCK UP.

Sadly Professor Neil Ferguson has resigned as he has broken the rules of lock down which he himself designed by allegedly meeting his married lover in his house.
Coronavirus: Top government scientist Neil Ferguson resigns from ...
One has to feel sorry for the poor chap who will no doubt be held to ridicule for unfortunately being the man who proves yet again that an erect penis has no conscience.

Friday, 1 May 2020

THE SHORT OF IT.


Here are three of my works which were previously selected for THE SHORT OF IT, should you feel like submitting pieces here is the link with instructions on how to do so.
A MAN ENTERED THE BAR.
A man entered the bar,
He appeared to be moving like a sailing boat,
tacking against the wind.
With trouser belt above the waist, he stopped,
swayed back upon his heels,
and taking first position in a dancey sort of way,
he did a little plié.
He ordered a pint of snakebite, a Guinness,
and a crème de menthe,
then having downed the lot he proceeded to sing,
from the La Marseillaise.
Pulling down his trousers, like a man possessed
he waved his bits about,
and bending down to touch his toes he struck a match,
and lit a massive fart.
A blue flame shot all the way across the bar,
causing scorching damage.
The crowd erupted in spontaneous applause,
and cheers of joyous laughter.
Then it seemed almost in the blinking of an eye,
he had disappeared.
The man had left the bar.
Vintage-Drink.jpg
Pay attention boy!
I entered a competition to write some prose and duly sent in my entry whereupon I received a reply saying I should have sent three, which reminded me of my school days which were spent mostly looking out of the window daydreaming.
The teacher would gain your attention by throwing a heavy wooden board rubber at your head which would land with a crack and bring a tear to your eye, on reflection I’m amazed more boys didn’t suffer from concussion.
It was the norm in those days for the teachers to have carte blanche to inflict any number of corporal punishments from a slap across the knuckles with a ruler, a whack on the bottom from a size 11 plimsoll to the full-blown six of the best with a bamboo cane.
The strangest thing though was having to say, “thank you Sir” after being beaten.
Happy days!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012 | survivingthemadhouse

It could always be worse!
My life of late has not been great,
I’ve had an awful time.
My wife has left, the kids gone too,
I don’t know what to do.
This tale of woe began a year ago,
when I sadly lost my job.
No money left to pay the bills,
I foolishly turned to crime.
How hard I thought to rob a house,
I’ll try the one next door.
I dressed in black and took a sack,
in which I put the swag.
They say that crime it doesn’t pay
and sadly, they are right.
For now, I’m serving thirteen months,
in a dingy prison cell
I must say life inside is not all bad,
for I’m now a prison wife.
He’s not perhaps my ideal mate,
but in here you don’t say no.
If I behave, I’ll be out soon and
make sure I don’t come back.
Decoding the Classic Burglar Outfit - Atlas Obscura

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

A BLOGGING SLUMP.

I was reading a post on the Drizzle and Hurricane Books blog about a blogging slump and suggestions for ideas to keep your blog fresh which was most useful as I too have been slowing down with my posts, due to the lack of anything happening, or being reported in the world.
In my reply I suggested I might just copy and paste it as a post for today as I want to get on with my book, I know it’s cheating but I have posted a link to Drizzle and Hurricane so you can have two blogs to read today for the price of one!
button
It would be nice if the TV news reported something other than Coronavirus for I’m sure there are other things to report, personally I have slowed down blogging as I’m concentrating on writing a book which I’d like to get finished before the end of the lock down. The shock of having the freedom to go out again, to take my classic cars for a run, to meet friends etc might be too much temptation and enjoying myself may take precedent over finishing the book. Unfortunately Mr Donald Trump is a constant source of material for a blog post although having to watch him on television is exceedingly painful, I expect he might be easier to watch once he learns to read. I could cheat and just copy this reply and use it as a post!

Saturday, 25 April 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 11!

I haven’t done a FAKE NEWS story for a little while but was prompted to do so by Mr Donald Trumps ridiculous suggestion that we should inject disinfectant to kill Coronavirus, I have to say this man has proven himself to be a dimwit on numerous occasions and now his latest hair brained scheme has ended in tragedy.
Insane video shows would-be ISIS suicide bomber exploding mid-air ...
It seems Mr Trump injected himself with Nitroglycerin, an unstable explosive liquid in an attempt to kill the deadly virus and sadly while travelling in the Presidential limousine they hit a speed hump with tragic consequences, it is reported that all those aboard have been blown to smithereens.
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

Wednesday, 22 April 2020

THE PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING.

I am getting sick to death of the British television news, especially Her Majesty’s British Broadcasting Corporation breaking their reports to listen to the rambling nonsense spouted by Mr Donald Trump.
Coronavirus: Donald Trump threatens to cut off WHO funding over ...
What is the point in having to listen to the wittering of this awful man who seems barely able to read let alone form a coherent sentence, except; As some of you may know, I write children’s stories and am always looking for new ideas to write about and having never written a Fairy Story I thought I might manage to obtain a transcript of Mr Trump’s daily briefing and use that as a plot for the book.
I shall call the book, Mr Trump and the Corona Fairies at the bottom of his garden.

Monday, 13 April 2020

SIR STIRLING MOSS.

I wanted to pay my own little tribute to the racing legend Sir Stirling Moss and to say thank you for the many happy hours we spent watching you race at the Goodwood Revival over the years.
Whilst never having watched Stirling race when he was competing professionally, (I was too young) he was accepted as the best driver never to have won the World Championship.
Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling, people standing
From 1955 to 1961 he was runner up four times and third on three other occasions and was famous for winning the 1955 Mille Miglia with Dennis Jenkinson reading the pace notes.
Ironic, perhaps that the crash that ended his career in April 1962 should have been at Goodwood, the very circuit where he gave so much pleasure to spectators after the end of his professional career.
The crash that put the brakes on the best driver in the world: Sir ...
Thank you for the pleasure you gave us. RIP Sir Stirling Moss.

Friday, 10 April 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 10!

The FAKE NEWS of the day today concerns the petrol price war between Saudi Arabia and Russia and the glut of oil which they have flooded the market with causing petrol prices to plummet.
100_0185
I went out today for my daily exercise on my trusty bicycle and came across this on a local garage forecourt.
Three Star Petrol by woolybill1 | ePHOTOzine
I know many an owner of classic cars who are now champing at the bit longing to take advantage of these extremely low prices and take their beautiful cars for a spin, although I can’t imagine that they will remain at four shillings, four and a ha’penny for long.
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

Wednesday, 8 April 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 9!

Today’s FAKE NEWS, China has ceased the lock down in Wuhan allowing some 11 million people back on the streets, stating there have been no new cases reported and all is well.
The official figures were.
Confirmed    81,802
Recovered    77,279
Died                 3,333
China to lift lockdown on Wuhan, ground zero of coronavirus ...
The official Chinese figures for the country state that there have been 81,802 confirmed cases of Coronavirus and 77,279 have recovered but sadly 3,333 have died. These figures seem remarkably small for a country with an estimated population of 1.44 billion people and what makes matters even worse is their rather shabby arithmetic, or lack of accurate figures.
If you add the figures for the dead and the recovered you get a figure of 80612 which is a shortfall of 1190 who it seems have been confirmed but have neither died nor recovered, who therefore still have the virus. This is like one of those school maths questions; If it takes three Chinese men to dig a grave how many does it take to dig 1190.
To present the figures as so many confirmed, recovered and dead and not mention those who one assumes still have it and are fighting for their lives seems a little like creative accounting, the figures don’t seem to add up correctly or to put it another way; “to lose one is unfortunate but to lose 1190 seems like carelessness.”
I hope that when they release the 11 million people of Wuhan province these 1190 people don’t come out with them, especially as they seem to have resumed air flights too.
That is pretty much the end of the FAKE NEWS of today and I hand you back to the studio with the old saying ringing in my ears; “I WOULDN’T TRUST THEM AS FAR AS I COULD THROW THEM!

Monday, 6 April 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 8.

I was just thinking about a possible FAKE NEWS conspiracy theory concerning Coronavirus and the forthcoming Pink Moon scheduled for 8th April.
Pink Moon 2019 meaning: Why is April Full Moon called Pink Moon ...
Could it be that Coronavirus was brought to the Earth by aliens and they intend to invade on the forthcoming date in April?
STOP IT, STOP IT, I’M GETTING A LITTLE BIT TOO STIR CRAZY HERE. IF I CARRY ON LIKE THIS MUCH LONGER THEY WILL BE ASKING ME TO PUT A SHIRT ON BACK TO FRONT AND CARTING ME AWAY!! CALM DOWN MAN, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, IT’S JUST FAKE NEWS.
This is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

Sunday, 5 April 2020

STAY AT HOME!

It seems people have been going out again and breaking the current Government Coronavirus rules on keeping safely apart and not gathering together in groups.
Punishment at School – did you get the cane or the ruler? – SMART
If you continue to act like children and spoil it for the rest of us, it will only be a matter of time before we have a complete enforced lock down.
DO NOT ACT LIKE CHILDREN OR YOU WILL BE TREATED LIKE CHILDREN.

Saturday, 4 April 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 7!

FAKE NEWS of the day today concerns the story of vast numbers of the public breaking the rules of the UK Government  and rushing out to congregate in public places.
Apparently the parks and public places are full of people socialising and others gathering in family gardens to have barbecues with relatives and friends.
family barbeque | Family bbq, Preppy family, New england prep
Sorry, news just in we have made a mistake this is not a true story this is indeed FAKE NEWS, this story is not due to take place until the weekend when the weather is going to be considerably warmer.
STAY AT HOME, SAVE THE WORLD.
This is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

Thursday, 2 April 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 6!

I’m a little confused today as to what the FAKE NEWS actually is but I will just present the facts as best I can and leave it up to you to decide who is telling the truth.
The Government have said they are doing their best to secure ventilators and testing kits and all the necessary paraphernalia that goes with them to save the lives of patients and staff alike and I must say I’m inclined to think they are telling the truth.
Ventilator Makers Race to Prevent a Possible Shortage | WIRED
Surprisingly all I seem to see from the press of this country is criticism of the Governments actions suggesting there are plenty of these articles readily available and we should have them by now.
It seems to me that the only way we can tell who is telling the truth or who is writing FAKE NEWS is to offer a challenge to the British Press as they can easily afford to take up my suggestion.
To the British Press I say, if this equipment is as readily available as you make out YOU GO OUT AND BUY THE RUDDY STUFF AND PROVE IT!!
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 5!

Due to the current lock down situation garden centres all over the country are in danger of losing all their current stock of plants worth hundreds of thousands of pounds, this being their busiest time of the year.
Sadly with no staff to look after the plants considerable numbers of them will die from neglect, however quite a large proportion of them have caught Coronavirus and evolved into massive man eating triffids and are roaming the country looking for victims, the police have warned that should you see one you should run for your life.
Speculative #Vegetation: #Plants in #SciFi Call for Papers ...
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

Tuesday, 31 March 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 4!

Breaking FAKE NEWS, an accident has befallen the man who used to be Prince Harry who was with his wife Meghan at the time, it seems the unfortunate occurrence happened following their move to Los Angeles.
Meghan Markle, Prince Harry relocate from Canada to Los Angeles ...
After much controversy concerning who would pay for their security it was announced that the couple would be paying for their own security, however it has been reported that the unfortunate Harry has shot himself in the foot, no further details are available at the moment but it is thought the injury is not life threatening.
A spokesperson for his Grandmother, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth said, “The Queen did warn him of the pitfalls of his move to the Colonies and is very sad that he has shot himself in the foot.”
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 3!

Yet another FAKE NEWS story breaking as we speak, concerning the outcry over the sale of  chocolate Easter eggs which are not essential food items.
It seems a fracas has erupted outside a supermarket when an entire delivery lorry was mobbed by hungry members of the public trying to stock pile the chocolate treats, resulting in the entire load falling from the lorry to the ground and smashing.
How many calories and how much sugar is in your Easter Egg ...
As luck would have it an entire regiment of the Horse Brigade was passing at the time and stepped in to take control but were unable to put the eggs back together again.
Mr Dumpty a spokesman for the supermarket said, “this is a tragic event which could so easily have been avoided,” but thanked the men of the Horse Brigade for their valiant efforts in trying to put the eggs back together.
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO2!

Today the FAKE NEWS we have to report is the sad death of Greta Thunberg who tragically took her own live in the early hours of the morning, when she learned that the hole in the Earth’s ozone layer had closed up and the world temperature had dropped by three degrees due to the complete lock down of the entire world.
Greta Thunberg gives tearful speech at UN Climate Action Summit ...
She is reported to have said to her only friend, “first they took my future and now it’s come back why are they playing with my mind in such a cruel way?”
Apparently she locked herself in the garage and turned on her fathers car in the hope that the fumes would kill her but as the car was electric and the battery was flat she then decided to hang herself instead. Unable to find any rope she decided to use the cable from the car’s charger but unfortunately the car mysteriously burst into flames leaving her trapped in the blazing building.
A note she left for her grieving parents allegedly said, ” I no longer have a purpose in life,” tributes have poured in from all over the world.
The Transport Minister said, “How sad but I think it’s the way she would have liked to go.”
Jeremy Clarkson said, “Oh her!”
Extinction Rebellion said, “We will block the traffic in London as a tribute to her, as soon as it manages to get moving again.”
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 1!

I have to admire all the people who are posting amusing pictures and stories to raise our spirits during this time of enforced lock down as I’m getting a little stir crazy myself and have decided to take a break from writing my book which is somewhat more on track than it was since I stopped wasting every moment of my waking day trying to find out why my computer will not let me log into two sites I use.
Having tried numerous things, re-booting, clearing my history, clearing my cookies and finally shouting very loudly I am still unable to enter these sites so have as of today decided to stop tying and to distract myself with continuing to write the book.
However, one needs a rest every now and then so for a brief moment I thought I might amuse myself by posting the FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY!
Today’s FAKE NEWS  concerns Amelia Earhart who was lost in the Pacific Ocean near Howland Island whilst trying to circumnavigate the globe in 1937, she was lost with her navigator Fred Noonan along with their Lockheed Electra with no trace of them ever being found, until today when the remains of the plane washed up on the beach in Bournemouth.
Will the Search for Amelia Earhart Ever End? | History ...
The plane was found by two pensioners Mr and Mrs Tintin whilst taking their Wire Fox Terrier called Snowy for an early morning walk along the promenade.
Mr Tintin said, “my wife and I were alerted to the aeroplane by our dog Snowy and upon closer inspection the little fellow would not stop barking and led us to a collection of bones in the floor of the plane.” “I don’t have a mobile phone,” he said but managed to borrow one from two passing twins called Thompson to alert the authorities.”
It was later reported that the coastguard had previously received a report from a fisherman called Captain Haddock who said his nets had snagged on something in the vicinity  during high tide.
Later the police reported than the remains had been confirmed as those of the missing Amelia Earhart and her navigator Fred Noonan.
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!