Wednesday, 25 March 2020

Coronavirus afternoon snack.

To those of you who read my previous post, progress on the book I wanted to write is moving very slowly so I thought I might stop for a little snack and looking around whilst the cupboard wasn’t bare it was beginning to look a little thin on the ground.
Being British I’m quite partial to a buttered crumpet with lashings of butter but we seem to be out of butter as we haven’t been shopping for some days, it’s surprising how quickly you run out of food when you don’t replenish it on a regular basis.
Image result for buttered crumpet
I was wondering if we might venture out to buy some essential supplies as I believe you are allowed to do but was unsure what might be considered essential for in my book lager is a vital part of my every day diet, I tend to save gin and tonic for the weekend.
Having rummaged around in the fridge I came upon some vegetable spread which although not my spread of choice for crumpets, needs must when feeling a little peckish and due to the current rationing situation I spread it quite thinly and I have to say it was a great disappointment compared to my usual crumpet dripping with copious amounts of salted butter.
I know that during the war especially in occupied countries where food supplies had almost completely dried up the population were driven to eating almost anything they could lay their hand on and I wondered how long it would take for us to reach that situation.
The thought of having to eat grass, shoe leather or even worse bats and rats or other small rodents filled me with horror for after all, isn’t this where we started with corona lark.
Image result for rats in a sewer
The thought was quite aberrant but at least it made the crumpets taste considerably more palatable, there’s always a brighter side if you look hard enough!

Thursday, 12 March 2020

Coronavirus and the deadly Elderflower!

How many people suffering with Coronavirus are in fact exhibiting symptoms of nothing worse than hay fever, I know myself I am currently suffering from the mould spores in the air and it is only a matter of time before the deadly Elderflower attacks.
My how versatile the Elderflower appears to be; one can use it in beer, Champagne, liqueur spirits, cordial, Vodka, Gin, Tea, and also surprisingly make Elderflower wine.
Image result for elderflower cordial
In cooking it can be used in Summer Pudding, Honey Cake, and Cheese Cake and in Fritters to name but four, however Wiki do dah says a fritter is any kind of food coated in batter and deep-fried.
Image result for summer pudding
Quite how this equates with the Scottish habit of deep-frying Mars bars, or how even with the addition of the magic ingredient Elderflower, I still fail to see how a deep-fried Mars bar can become an edible foodstuff, I wonder if it tastes as awful as it looks?
Image result for deep fried Mars bar
Apparently one can use Elderflower in a pudding called Panna Cotta which I’m led to believe comes from Italy, although it looks to me to be nothing more than good old-fashioned British Blancmange.
Image result for blancmange
It’s strange how even the mention of certain things can instantly transform you back in time to your school days, ah yes, school dinners; happy days!
How pleasant some moments can be; a beautiful summer day, a picnic by the river, Radio Four playing quietly on the wireless, a glass of chilled wine and, yes I’m getting creosote with hints of Elderflower.
Image result for le déjeuner sur le herb
Such a shame that the Elderflower seems to be so versatile and yet in the countryside all it seems to do is congregate on the trees in enormous quantities whilst waiting for sufficient wind so that it can float happily on the breeze.
Yes, vast quantities of the Damn stuff, like snow falling, eventually landing and covering everything in a fine white powder, like an explosion in a Cocaine factory.
Image result for dust explosion
In the mean time I and many like me are sneezing as if we are auditioning for one of the Seven Dwarfs, eyes red with irritation, doing a very good impression of someone about to succumb to Coronavirus, this never happened when I lived in the town.
Image result for seven dwarfs sneezy
I must say though, even with the attack of hay fever from mould spores and the deadly Elderflower I’m still preferring my life as a Country Bumpkin to being back in town.

Friday, 6 March 2020

Coronavirus, we're all doomed!

With all the recent scaremongering about the Coronavirus COVID-19 I thought I might try to allay your fears on the matter and am able to with the help of the rather splendid Dad’s Army stamps from the Post Office as illustrations.
Image result for fraser we're doomed
Last night the first case was confirmed in the UK but contrary to what appears to be popular misconception I feel we are not all doomed.
Image result for dads army stamps
Unfortunately it seems this virus does target the old and infirm and those with a pre existing health problem so Private Godfrey would be well advised to go home and keep a low profile for the duration.
Image result for dads army stamps
I haven’t been shopping recently but according to the news reports word is spreading of great shortages of goods in the shops one of the prime articles being toilet paper and when word gets out there is a rush to hoard yet more of the stuff.
Image result for private walker stamp
I haven’t as yet heard of any black market profiteering and I would hope the authorities would stamp down heavily on any such practices.
Image result for dads army stamps
There has been a considerable drop in the numbers of people who are travelling abroad and obviously caution should be exercised here as you wouldn’t want to go to an obvious Coronavirus hot spot for you summer holiday.
Image result for you stupid boy stamp
I think we have to blame the newspapers and television news for spreading fear unnecessarily and those in charge should know better, for causing panic is a very foolish action in times of war.
Image result for dads army stamps
As the old saying goes, “will the last one left turn the light out” which is all well and good when we get to that situation but I have to point out that at this moment there are considerable numbers of us still here.
Image result for private walker stamp
For those of you of a nervous disposition do not panic, here are some statistics which may help to put the situation into perspective.
Global cases.  97,841
Recovered.     53,786
Died.                   3,347
Whilst it is tragic that just over 3000 people have succumbed to this virus well over half of those who contracted it have survived, furthermore maths is not my strong subject but even I know that 3347 deaths from the total world population of  7.7 Billion people is an infinitesimally small percentage.
I hope these facts have assisted in calming most people’s fears of this Coronavirus and will enable us all to Keep calm and carry on!

Thursday, 5 March 2020

World Book Day Characters.


Today is World Book Day and apparently children are supposed to dress up as their favourite character from a book they enjoy, might I suggest young Nobby Brasso.
NOBBY BRASSO BOOK COVER 2018

Wednesday, 4 March 2020

Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori.

I have mentioned before that I have a play available from the wireless theatre company and now they have a rather splendid 14 day free trial so no excuse not to listen to all the splendid plays which are available.
First World War Radio Drama
ENJOY TWO WEEKS OF UNLIMITED AWARD WINNING AUDIO DRAMA ON US!
SIGN UP FOR AN ANNUAL SUBSCRIPTION AND ENJOY A 14 DAY FREE TRIAL.
Sign up today to enjoy unlimited downloads of our original top quality audio drama, totally free for the first 14 days. You can cancel at any time if you don’t want to hear more.
If you’re looking for original comedy, horror or documentaries, you’ll find plenty to fill your ears!
You could experience the same superb quality of audio drama that Wireless Theatre Company creates for Audible and the BBC, and discover original audio plays by up and coming writers, all for less than 7p per day after your trial.
We don’t include any annoying advert breaks so you can listen uninterrupted to our high quality audio plays. You can download our plays to your computer, phone or tablet, so you can listen as many times as you want. Subscribe for full access to new releases. Signing up is quick and easy. Start listening today!

Tuesday, 3 March 2020

Snowflakes as thick as treacle.

Latest news just in, the snowflake generation are apparently as thick as treacle and don't blame me for it wasn't I who said it!

Image result for snowflakes

Rather worryingly they seem to think that we fought the French in World War Two rather than the Germans and it lasted until the swinging sixties.

Image result for french army

I would have thought that one of the most ingrained pieces of history especially where Great Britain is concerned is that the British fought the Germans in World War Two and the most important fact about this conflict is that WE WON! Furthermore we also won World War One, these facts are often used to balance out the equation whereby we have only managed to win one World Football Cup.

Monday, 2 March 2020

Priti Patel.

I wonder what the truth of the matter is regarding the resignation of top civil servant Sir Philip Rutman and his disagreement with Home Secretary Priti Patel?
Image result for priti patel
One imagines that the Civil Service by definition should be precisely that, both civil and an obedient servant who when asked to do something should carry out that task without the need of any unnecessary shouting.
Could it be that the civil service is a tad set in its ways, I am thinking of the image of a  middle aged man in a slightly shabby suit standing with his hands clasped behind his back staring out of the window with nothing more pressing on his mind than when the tea lady will be round and whether to have a digestive or a ginger nut.
I may be doing these people a disservice, who knows but it has been suggested that it is best not to ruffle the feathers of the civil service as they will surely have their revenge in the end, we shall have to wait and see.

Saturday, 29 February 2020

The good old days.

Does anybody remember the good old days when we had hosepipe bans, happy days eh!
Image result for hosepipe ban

The House of Lords.

There has been a bit of a hoo-ha in the press just lately concerning the House of Lords basically complaining that there are too many of them and that they do bugger all for their vastly inflated salary.
As with everything there are always two sides to the argument and I have to admit you can’t argue the case that there are too many of them as the Lords is now at over 800 second only to the Chinese peoples congress.
Image result for the house of lords too many members
Now for the argument that they can earn £300 a day for doing nothing which is quite clearly not true as we constantly see images of these Peers asleep in the chamber no doubt exhausted from their hard days labours.
I don’t like change for change’s sake and I think this is where we went wrong with the Lords, as they say “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” When the chamber was filled with hereditary Peers you could hardly say there were too many of them for you had to wait years until your father died before your turn and in the mean time many of them succumbed to death from drink, drugs, gambling or killing the family nanny before they got anywhere near the place.
It has been said that the Lords is a little like a gentleman’s club in that one can arrive in the morning, meet friends in the bar before a rather splendid subsidised lunch with a couple of decent bottles of wine, a little nap in the chamber and then home for teatime.
I’m beginning to warm to the idea of leaving well alone, especially as I have recently purchased my “Lord Joe Wells” title from the Principality of Sealand, I think I’d fit in like a glove!

Friday, 28 February 2020

Prince Harry, the gift that keeps on giving.

It seems not a day goes by without some story in the papers concerning Prince Harry and here is another one, from a bloggers point of view it is the gift that keeps on giving.
The latest episode in this long running saga is that Canada will not be paying for protection for Harry and Megan as they are no longer members of the Royal family.
Image result for security for Meghan and Harry
Unfortunately for Harry and Megan they have chosen to leave the Royal family and join the ranks of the independently wealthy who one assumes have to pay for their own security, as the old saying goes, “you’ve made your bed now you’re going to have to lay in it.”
Let’s hope they manage to find a sensible way to earn a substantial some of money as I imagine the cost of security would be quite substantial, judging by the photo I found the bill for sunglasses alone must be fairly hefty.

Wednesday, 26 February 2020

Yorkshire tea.

Just having a tea break after checking my emails and my latest post on Facebook, such a busy life!
IMG_1275

Friday, 21 February 2020

The scourge of white van man

I'm not sure if I'm being unkind to white van man but just lately I have been plagued with white van man, not strangely enough the aggressive bad driving yobbo type normally portrayed in the press but a different type altogether.


Image result for white van man

I'm not entirely certain that I didn't prefer the older version driving like a mad man causing havoc and mayhem in his wake.

 Image result for white van man

Perhaps I have been unlucky just lately but it seems every time I leave my home and drive down the road I am immediately stuck behind a white van man who seems barely able to achieve 35 mph let alone exceed it no matter what the speed limit is.

The strange thing is it seems to be the same van every time and I'm wondering has this poor fellow had some sort of safety device fitted whereby no matter how hard he stamps on the accelerator pedal the vehicle steadfastly remains at a constant 35 mph, or is this the new snowflake generation of white van driver who is scared stiff to exceed 35mph even in a 60mph limit.

As they used to say in the old days, "answers on a postcard," or you could just post a comment below!  

Wednesday, 19 February 2020

Severe flooding in Great Britain.

How very sad to see great swathes of our beautiful countryside under water especially when it can’t be rocket science to solve the problem.
I know I tend to look at things in a very simplified way but surely if we dredge all the rivers this will increase the flow they can handle, although I believe the EU has stopped us doing this.
Image result for Flooded river
The argument I believe is that if you dredge the river banks you will endanger all the small animals who live in the river banks, conversely if you do nothing and the river floods the animals will die anyway, from the small animals point of view it’s a bit of a Catch 22 situation.
The other solution is so obvious to the vast majority of people but seems to have escaped the notice of local planning officers, stop building on flood plains! I’m forced to wonder who is stupid enough to buy a house built on a flood plain, perhaps it should be made law that developers have to declare when selling these houses that there is a severe danger your house will be under water during the winter period.
If I’m not mistaken when engineers build a dam they have to dig a new channel to divert the river whilst the building of the dam is in progress, perhaps we could use the same principal with rivers that flood by digging another channel and joining the two the flow rate surely must be doubled.
Let’s stop blaming global warming for the problem and instead start blaming the real culprit, the planners who are unwilling to take the appropriate action to solve the problem, as I said it’s not rocket science.

Sunday, 16 February 2020

Standards of dress for newsreaders.

I was watching the news last night which I think may have been on Sky when I was met with a female reader who appeared to be dressed in a pair of black stretchy jeans and a red casual top.
Image result for British newsreaders in dinner jacket
Whilst not advocating a return to the good old days when Her Majesty’s BBC newsreaders would wear a dinner jacket whilst on the wireless, I think we can do better than skinny jeans and a casual top!

Monday, 10 February 2020

The trial of Christine Keeler.

I have just watched the fabulous drama The trial of Christine Keeler on BBC 1 with Sophie Cookson as Christine Keeler and would recommend you to watch it if you can, it gives a fascinating insight into the morals and sadly the hypocrisy of the times.
Image result for christine keeler cast
Perhaps even more interesting was the Tom Mangold documentary Keeler, Profumo, Ward and me which was shown on BBC 2.
Image result for stephen ward
The awful treatment of both Christine Keeler, Mandy Rice-Davies and especially Stephen Ward the society osteopath, his trial and abandonment by MI5 which led to his unfortunate suicide and death are most revealing.
Finally there is no other way to end a story of Christine Keeler without using the photograph that will forever be associated with her.
Image result for christine keeler chair photo

Wednesday, 5 February 2020

HS2.

Why is the new HS2 rail link costing such a ludicrous amount of money and why isn’t it built yet?
As with all the massive infrastructure projects the costs inevitably spiral due in no small part to the amount of time it takes to complete them, HS2 has taken so long I imagine when it was first dreamed up it was costed in pounds, shillings and pence.
The sooner you can build anything the cheaper it will be for inflation and the rising costs of labour and material will inevitably have an affect on the price of the finished project.
Luckily I have a plan which may help to speed up the process, starting with the protest camps that have sprung up along the route and I know this may seem a tad extreme but how much can it cost to hire a bulldozer.
Image result for hs2 protest camp"
Obviously, a certain amount of negotiations may be prudent before moving in straightaway with the bulldozer but we can’t wait forever, time is money with these projects.
No need to worry about having to hire expensive cherry pickers to get the protesters out of the trees when a short period of negotiation will suffice.
“You there in the tree are you coming down?”
Start the chainsaw.
“You there in the tree are you coming down?”
Chop down the tree, job done!
Image result for hs2 protesters"
Now, moving on to the subject of Government Inquiries most of which take so long they started in black and white; a very simple answer here, don’t bother with them.
It seems the Government has set its heart on having a much better railway to assist the Northern Powerhouse to become a “powerhouse” much to the benefit if those people who live there. You want a railway, it will benefit many people and you can shave 15 minutes off the time taken to travel to Manchester, what is there to enquire about?
Image result for British courtroom"
Now , to the slightly easier task of removing all the houses in the way and once again I think I have the answer to this thorny problem.
Nobody wants to live next to a railway line so we’re halfway there before starting to negotiate with any house owner who is unfortunate enough to be in the way.
The simple answer here is to compulsorily purchase the house but say for three times the market value, after all we have saved a fortune by getting rid of the protesters and the inquiries, we can easily afford to be overly generous purchasing the properties in the way and I think the vast majority of people would be more than happy to move when offered such an inflated price for their house.
Image result for house in the country"
Well, that’s pretty much it as I see it, all I have to do now is send my scheme to the Government and I would estimate with a fair wind behind us we could have HS2 completed by the end of the year.

Tuesday, 4 February 2020

Coronavirus.

WARNING. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH PLEASE DO NOT GIVE CLOSE SCRUTINY TO THE FOLLOWING PHOTOGRAPHS IN THIS POST.
SORRY ABOUT THAT!
It seems that there has been a tie up between the eating of bats in China and the latest out break of coronavirus.
Image result for man eating bats in China"
According to some of the latest news reports it has been suggested that also on the menu have been, crocodiles, camels, snakes, raccoons, eagles, rats and many more.
Image result for man eating live mice"
The latest video which I have seen which I assume is real is of a man eating live baby mice dipped in sauce and is ready to wash them down with a glass of wine, an extremely distressing image. If one were making a particularly gruesome horror film all that would be necessary would be the addition of a nice Chianti and some fava beans.
I assume this fellow is eating these unfortunate animals as some form of delicacy as he has tomatoes and sauce, were he starving to death he might have some excuse for this sort of dreadful behaviour.
There is really nothing more to add, except perhaps the comment; IF YOU LIVE BY THE SWORD YOU DIE BY THE SWORD! All I can say is it serves him right.

Monday, 3 February 2020

Plastic pollution.

To all the people who are making such a fuss about climate change and plastic pollution by stopping the traffic and blocking the roads in London, please stop.
Image result for rubbish thrown into the sea by lorry"
Here is an image allegedly of the Vellar River at Thittakudi in India where you can see people unloading lorry loads of rubbish into the river and ultimately one assumes into the sea.
Extinction Rebellion please take note, rather than stopping the traffic in London and causing more pollution try going to India and all the other places round the world where this sort of thing happens and stop them, I’m sure it would be a much more constructive use of your time.

Sunday, 2 February 2020

BAFTA awards 2020.


There seems to have been a bit of a hoo-ha about the lack of films nominated which are by black people or by women and the suggestion that those selecting the nominations are somehow sexist or racist, I on the other hand, have a slightly different take on this story, there’s a surprise.
Image result for BAFTA"
One of the films nominated in the “casting” category is The personal history of David Copperfield which Mark Kermode said whilst reviewing it for the BBC;  “a brilliantly inclusive colour blind ensemble cast.”
He later went on to say that he thought the film, “Bait” should win the category for Best British film and here I think we have a clue as to why there are no films nominated which are by women or black people.
Unfortunately all the evidence seems to suggest there are no films which are of a sufficiently high quality and those that qualify by being “a brilliantly inclusive and colour blind ensemble cast” are quite rightly nominated in the “casting” category and not “best film.”

Monday, 27 January 2020

Motivational speakers.


What on earth is the purpose of motivational speakers, I’m just asking as I cannot see that they serve a useful purpose in life at all.

Admittedly my knowledge and contact with these people is somewhat limited, even so it seems to me that most of them are neither use nor ornament, as the old saying goes.


Image result for motivational speakers


Some of the lesser mortals of this species seem unable to motivate their way out of a paper bag, let alone motivate a room full of people to reach their goals and desires.

Perhaps, not quite the same thing but I had the misfortune to go to a meeting of a motivational speaker who was also selling a beauty product, a very strange experience to say the least.

From my point of view this fellow spoke for some three hours or more, I likened it to one of Hitler’s rousing speeches at Nuremberg and in the end perhaps 10% of the audience got up and bought the product.

The product in question reminded me of the snake oil salesmen of the old wild west, I wouldn’t say it was completely useless but it certainly was extremely overpriced, proving the point that you only have to fool half the people some of the time.

Myself, I have to admit I have a deep ingrained loathing of any sort of motivational salesman or woman for that matter as I am more than able enough to decide if I wish to purchase a product without have to sit through the Nuremberg rally and it was at this point that I made a hasty retreat before I lost the will to live completely.