Tuesday, 31 March 2020

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 4!

Breaking FAKE NEWS, an accident has befallen the man who used to be Prince Harry who was with his wife Meghan at the time, it seems the unfortunate occurrence happened following their move to Los Angeles.
Meghan Markle, Prince Harry relocate from Canada to Los Angeles ...
After much controversy concerning who would pay for their security it was announced that the couple would be paying for their own security, however it has been reported that the unfortunate Harry has shot himself in the foot, no further details are available at the moment but it is thought the injury is not life threatening.
A spokesperson for his Grandmother, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth said, “The Queen did warn him of the pitfalls of his move to the Colonies and is very sad that he has shot himself in the foot.”
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 3!

Yet another FAKE NEWS story breaking as we speak, concerning the outcry over the sale of  chocolate Easter eggs which are not essential food items.
It seems a fracas has erupted outside a supermarket when an entire delivery lorry was mobbed by hungry members of the public trying to stock pile the chocolate treats, resulting in the entire load falling from the lorry to the ground and smashing.
How many calories and how much sugar is in your Easter Egg ...
As luck would have it an entire regiment of the Horse Brigade was passing at the time and stepped in to take control but were unable to put the eggs back together again.
Mr Dumpty a spokesman for the supermarket said, “this is a tragic event which could so easily have been avoided,” but thanked the men of the Horse Brigade for their valiant efforts in trying to put the eggs back together.
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO2!

Today the FAKE NEWS we have to report is the sad death of Greta Thunberg who tragically took her own live in the early hours of the morning, when she learned that the hole in the Earth’s ozone layer had closed up and the world temperature had dropped by three degrees due to the complete lock down of the entire world.
Greta Thunberg gives tearful speech at UN Climate Action Summit ...
She is reported to have said to her only friend, “first they took my future and now it’s come back why are they playing with my mind in such a cruel way?”
Apparently she locked herself in the garage and turned on her fathers car in the hope that the fumes would kill her but as the car was electric and the battery was flat she then decided to hang herself instead. Unable to find any rope she decided to use the cable from the car’s charger but unfortunately the car mysteriously burst into flames leaving her trapped in the blazing building.
A note she left for her grieving parents allegedly said, ” I no longer have a purpose in life,” tributes have poured in from all over the world.
The Transport Minister said, “How sad but I think it’s the way she would have liked to go.”
Jeremy Clarkson said, “Oh her!”
Extinction Rebellion said, “We will block the traffic in London as a tribute to her, as soon as it manages to get moving again.”
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY NO 1!

I have to admire all the people who are posting amusing pictures and stories to raise our spirits during this time of enforced lock down as I’m getting a little stir crazy myself and have decided to take a break from writing my book which is somewhat more on track than it was since I stopped wasting every moment of my waking day trying to find out why my computer will not let me log into two sites I use.
Having tried numerous things, re-booting, clearing my history, clearing my cookies and finally shouting very loudly I am still unable to enter these sites so have as of today decided to stop tying and to distract myself with continuing to write the book.
However, one needs a rest every now and then so for a brief moment I thought I might amuse myself by posting the FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY!
Today’s FAKE NEWS  concerns Amelia Earhart who was lost in the Pacific Ocean near Howland Island whilst trying to circumnavigate the globe in 1937, she was lost with her navigator Fred Noonan along with their Lockheed Electra with no trace of them ever being found, until today when the remains of the plane washed up on the beach in Bournemouth.
Will the Search for Amelia Earhart Ever End? | History ...
The plane was found by two pensioners Mr and Mrs Tintin whilst taking their Wire Fox Terrier called Snowy for an early morning walk along the promenade.
Mr Tintin said, “my wife and I were alerted to the aeroplane by our dog Snowy and upon closer inspection the little fellow would not stop barking and led us to a collection of bones in the floor of the plane.” “I don’t have a mobile phone,” he said but managed to borrow one from two passing twins called Thompson to alert the authorities.”
It was later reported that the coastguard had previously received a report from a fisherman called Captain Haddock who said his nets had snagged on something in the vicinity  during high tide.
Later the police reported than the remains had been confirmed as those of the missing Amelia Earhart and her navigator Fred Noonan.
That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

Wednesday, 25 March 2020

Coronavirus afternoon snack.

To those of you who read my previous post, progress on the book I wanted to write is moving very slowly so I thought I might stop for a little snack and looking around whilst the cupboard wasn’t bare it was beginning to look a little thin on the ground.
Being British I’m quite partial to a buttered crumpet with lashings of butter but we seem to be out of butter as we haven’t been shopping for some days, it’s surprising how quickly you run out of food when you don’t replenish it on a regular basis.
Image result for buttered crumpet
I was wondering if we might venture out to buy some essential supplies as I believe you are allowed to do but was unsure what might be considered essential for in my book lager is a vital part of my every day diet, I tend to save gin and tonic for the weekend.
Having rummaged around in the fridge I came upon some vegetable spread which although not my spread of choice for crumpets, needs must when feeling a little peckish and due to the current rationing situation I spread it quite thinly and I have to say it was a great disappointment compared to my usual crumpet dripping with copious amounts of salted butter.
I know that during the war especially in occupied countries where food supplies had almost completely dried up the population were driven to eating almost anything they could lay their hand on and I wondered how long it would take for us to reach that situation.
The thought of having to eat grass, shoe leather or even worse bats and rats or other small rodents filled me with horror for after all, isn’t this where we started with corona lark.
Image result for rats in a sewer
The thought was quite aberrant but at least it made the crumpets taste considerably more palatable, there’s always a brighter side if you look hard enough!

Thursday, 12 March 2020

Coronavirus and the deadly Elderflower!

How many people suffering with Coronavirus are in fact exhibiting symptoms of nothing worse than hay fever, I know myself I am currently suffering from the mould spores in the air and it is only a matter of time before the deadly Elderflower attacks.
My how versatile the Elderflower appears to be; one can use it in beer, Champagne, liqueur spirits, cordial, Vodka, Gin, Tea, and also surprisingly make Elderflower wine.
Image result for elderflower cordial
In cooking it can be used in Summer Pudding, Honey Cake, and Cheese Cake and in Fritters to name but four, however Wiki do dah says a fritter is any kind of food coated in batter and deep-fried.
Image result for summer pudding
Quite how this equates with the Scottish habit of deep-frying Mars bars, or how even with the addition of the magic ingredient Elderflower, I still fail to see how a deep-fried Mars bar can become an edible foodstuff, I wonder if it tastes as awful as it looks?
Image result for deep fried Mars bar
Apparently one can use Elderflower in a pudding called Panna Cotta which I’m led to believe comes from Italy, although it looks to me to be nothing more than good old-fashioned British Blancmange.
Image result for blancmange
It’s strange how even the mention of certain things can instantly transform you back in time to your school days, ah yes, school dinners; happy days!
How pleasant some moments can be; a beautiful summer day, a picnic by the river, Radio Four playing quietly on the wireless, a glass of chilled wine and, yes I’m getting creosote with hints of Elderflower.
Image result for le déjeuner sur le herb
Such a shame that the Elderflower seems to be so versatile and yet in the countryside all it seems to do is congregate on the trees in enormous quantities whilst waiting for sufficient wind so that it can float happily on the breeze.
Yes, vast quantities of the Damn stuff, like snow falling, eventually landing and covering everything in a fine white powder, like an explosion in a Cocaine factory.
Image result for dust explosion
In the mean time I and many like me are sneezing as if we are auditioning for one of the Seven Dwarfs, eyes red with irritation, doing a very good impression of someone about to succumb to Coronavirus, this never happened when I lived in the town.
Image result for seven dwarfs sneezy
I must say though, even with the attack of hay fever from mould spores and the deadly Elderflower I’m still preferring my life as a Country Bumpkin to being back in town.

Friday, 6 March 2020

Coronavirus, we're all doomed!

With all the recent scaremongering about the Coronavirus COVID-19 I thought I might try to allay your fears on the matter and am able to with the help of the rather splendid Dad’s Army stamps from the Post Office as illustrations.
Image result for fraser we're doomed
Last night the first case was confirmed in the UK but contrary to what appears to be popular misconception I feel we are not all doomed.
Image result for dads army stamps
Unfortunately it seems this virus does target the old and infirm and those with a pre existing health problem so Private Godfrey would be well advised to go home and keep a low profile for the duration.
Image result for dads army stamps
I haven’t been shopping recently but according to the news reports word is spreading of great shortages of goods in the shops one of the prime articles being toilet paper and when word gets out there is a rush to hoard yet more of the stuff.
Image result for private walker stamp
I haven’t as yet heard of any black market profiteering and I would hope the authorities would stamp down heavily on any such practices.
Image result for dads army stamps
There has been a considerable drop in the numbers of people who are travelling abroad and obviously caution should be exercised here as you wouldn’t want to go to an obvious Coronavirus hot spot for you summer holiday.
Image result for you stupid boy stamp
I think we have to blame the newspapers and television news for spreading fear unnecessarily and those in charge should know better, for causing panic is a very foolish action in times of war.
Image result for dads army stamps
As the old saying goes, “will the last one left turn the light out” which is all well and good when we get to that situation but I have to point out that at this moment there are considerable numbers of us still here.
Image result for private walker stamp
For those of you of a nervous disposition do not panic, here are some statistics which may help to put the situation into perspective.
Global cases.  97,841
Recovered.     53,786
Died.                   3,347
Whilst it is tragic that just over 3000 people have succumbed to this virus well over half of those who contracted it have survived, furthermore maths is not my strong subject but even I know that 3347 deaths from the total world population of  7.7 Billion people is an infinitesimally small percentage.
I hope these facts have assisted in calming most people’s fears of this Coronavirus and will enable us all to Keep calm and carry on!

Thursday, 5 March 2020

World Book Day Characters.


Today is World Book Day and apparently children are supposed to dress up as their favourite character from a book they enjoy, might I suggest young Nobby Brasso.
NOBBY BRASSO BOOK COVER 2018

Wednesday, 4 March 2020

Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori.

I have mentioned before that I have a play available from the wireless theatre company and now they have a rather splendid 14 day free trial so no excuse not to listen to all the splendid plays which are available.
First World War Radio Drama
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Tuesday, 3 March 2020

Snowflakes as thick as treacle.

Latest news just in, the snowflake generation are apparently as thick as treacle and don't blame me for it wasn't I who said it!

Image result for snowflakes

Rather worryingly they seem to think that we fought the French in World War Two rather than the Germans and it lasted until the swinging sixties.

Image result for french army

I would have thought that one of the most ingrained pieces of history especially where Great Britain is concerned is that the British fought the Germans in World War Two and the most important fact about this conflict is that WE WON! Furthermore we also won World War One, these facts are often used to balance out the equation whereby we have only managed to win one World Football Cup.

Monday, 2 March 2020

Priti Patel.

I wonder what the truth of the matter is regarding the resignation of top civil servant Sir Philip Rutman and his disagreement with Home Secretary Priti Patel?
Image result for priti patel
One imagines that the Civil Service by definition should be precisely that, both civil and an obedient servant who when asked to do something should carry out that task without the need of any unnecessary shouting.
Could it be that the civil service is a tad set in its ways, I am thinking of the image of a  middle aged man in a slightly shabby suit standing with his hands clasped behind his back staring out of the window with nothing more pressing on his mind than when the tea lady will be round and whether to have a digestive or a ginger nut.
I may be doing these people a disservice, who knows but it has been suggested that it is best not to ruffle the feathers of the civil service as they will surely have their revenge in the end, we shall have to wait and see.